A little something on grief...

Comin' in hot.

The past 3-4 years have been the hardest years of my life so far. I believe I experienced true grief for the very first time. If I had before, it sure didn't feel like this.

Without going into too much detail and maintaining privacy for myself and others involved, the grief I experienced was coming at me from pretty much every direction of life.....family, friends, marriage, stage of life, career, financial, and the state of our country/world.

I wish I could remember where I read this, but a person was describing their experience as "trickle grief" or maybe it was "trickle truth". Either way the sentiment is similar. I searched google but couldn't find where I read it, however I did find explanations of this concept.

Trickle truth is the slow, piecemeal release of painful or damaging information over time rather than a full, honest disclosure upfront.

The slow-rolling realization of hidden betrayal combines cumulative grief (compounded loss) and ambiguous loss driven by "trickle truth," where each new revelation resets the healing clock and forces you to re-grieve a past you thought was real.

My googling showed a type of grief called "unfolding grief" described by these concepts:

1. Cumulative Grief or Compounded Loss: This happens when new painful facts stack on top of old ones before you can process the first blow, making the weight heavier with every new piece of news.

2. Ambiguous Loss / Living Loss: Coined for unclear losses without traditional closure, this applies when the person is still alive, but the foundation of who they were to you is constantly shifting.

3. Betrayal Trauma Re-triggering: Every delayed truth shatters your past reality, your self-trust, and the timeline you grieved, throwing you back into the shock phase of grief over and over.

Sounds like a blasty, blast doesn't it? I experienced this "unfolding grief" along with many unrelated "isolated" events over and over again for 3-4 years.

Present day me is able to now function on most days. I am so grateful for that. There were countless days that I could not get out of bed. I fell behind on literally everything. I felt like a failure most days. My life was falling apart.

While I would never want to relive the past few years, I do have some appreciation for them. I have learned so much about myself and grown in ways I believe only experiencing that type of low could create.

I share none of this for pity - especially if you know me personally. And fair warning, I plan to write a lot more about grief on this blog. Not because I think I'm a grief expert, but because our stories matter. Stories humanize and connect. When we can see ourselves in someone's story it helps us not feel so achingly alone. Moments of self-compassion and understanding can come from witnessing the vulnerability of others.

If you are currently in the thick of grief or have experienced it before, please know I see you. I did not fully understand what it meant and how it felt in my body until I lived it. If today is a rough grief day for you, I am sending you love and light. I really can promise it won't always feel this bad. Be gentle with yourself. ♥️